Growing up, I never liked getting in trouble or disappointing my parents. When I’d get in trouble, I’d hate the punishment, but would really dislike knowing that I’d betrayed my parents’ trust or let them down.
I don’t like to fail people. I’m a people pleaser and I try to do the right thing by people. Am I perfect? Nope. But I do strive to be my best. When I know I’ve messed up, I’m usually like a dog with my tail between my legs. I hide out and feel shameful and I disappoint myself when I’ve erred and feel as though it could have been prevented. And that is such a cruddy feeling.
And then there’s the other side. The being disappointed side. It’s different from being mad or angry. It’s more than that… it just makes me feel really deflated.
Just this week, I’ve had to deal with disappointment. I discovered that someone I considered a friend had gone behind my back and done something. The action itself wasn’t terrible, but just the fact that they did it was so surprising. And it hurts. I feel so betrayed. I’ve tried reconciling all this in my mind and wondered what would even possess them to do this. What was gained from it? Absolutely nothing.
I don’t want to dwell on this and don’t want to be angry about it. I need to make my peace with it, forgive and move on. Unfortunately I must still deal with this person on a regular basis and need to be civil toward them. But it definitely makes me stop and think about who I can trust. I tend to be open and have learned that I need to be more guarded, which makes me sad.
I don’t know that there’s really a point to this post, except that sometimes it’s therapeutic to write about stuff that is bothering me. I believe everything happens for a reason and this experience is going to be a learning opportunity for me. The Lord had a lesson I needed to learn, and learn I did! I’m grateful for the chance to take negative situations and make something positive out of them!