Coping

One way that I cope with life, no matter what is going on, is through music. We are a very musically inclined family. Zach was a band director up until this year and I played the flute for many years up through college. I’ve had several songs that have carried me through this week. Thank you to the many sweet friends who have shared songs that have helped them in hard times!

This one has been on repeat since the day Leslie died after my friend Sarah shared it with me.

This has long been one of my favorite songs, especially when things are hard. But a few months ago, it home on a whole new level. I feel like this song is about Leslie, talking about a heart that’s frail and worn, how it takes work to keep on breathing. Jesus has truly given her rest.

My friend Rachel asked me if I had heard this song, and I had not. But oh my stars, is it every appropriate in this case? And, oh does this hurt!

Even when the fight seems lost, I'll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell, I'll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing, louder then I'll sing Your praise

A blog friend sent me this one yesterday morning and it made me weep, in a very comforted way.

Do you have any other songs to share with me that would be comforting at this time?

 

And one last thing… my amazing friend, Ashley, owner of SheShe Made, has gone above and beyond and has created a darling dress inspired by Leslie.

She will be selling these dresses starting Wednesday on Instagram (follow @sheshemade). She is donating ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of her profits to the college/wedding fund for Caroline and Ainsley. Ashley has made many outfits and gifts for my children and others, and the quality of her work is phenomenal! I can’t wait to see Ava, Caroline, and Ainsley in this dress inspired by Leslie, who would have absolutely loved having a piece of clothing designed in her honor! So come shop Wednesday and get a beautiful dress for the little girl in your life and help support my sweet nieces!

Addressing some things

I’ve had a lot of questions directed to me over the last few days that I want to answer, as well as some things I’ve seen/read that I want to address.

Because we all love a good bullet list, here it goes:

• Stephen may post something on Leslie’s blog at some point, but I have no idea if he has any plans to have a blog of his own. He has a lot to work through and that is most likely not one of the pressing items on his mind. He also does not have an Instagram account at this time and most likely won’t be accepting friend requests on Facebook from people he does not know.

• As I can, I will periodically post updates on Caroline and Ainsley. We live about an hour away from them but plan to see all of them as often as we can. We loved those little girls before all of this started and we love them even more now and plan to be very present in their lives.

• I realize that most of you are so shocked because you thought Leslie was getting better. While she was released from the hospital in May, the reality is that she was NOT better. She was stable enough. The reason you didn’t know this was that Leslie was VERY private about her health issues. Those of us privy to the details respected that and will continue to do so. She wasn’t attention seeking and did not like discussing her health.

• I’m sure there are all kinds of rumors floating around out there. I’ve read some things in different places that have made me cringe. I just ask that before you write something, imagine how you would feel if you were reading those words about your own loved one. I would hope that Stephen never comes across some of the things I’ve seen said about Leslie. None of it is mean or hateful, but it’s speculation and judgments about her and her health and that doesn’t help or change anything.

• THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. The outpouring of love that has been showered on our families has been nothing short of incredible. Leslie was so loved and that has been evident in the show of support we’ve been given. I would give anything to not need this support but God is still God and He is still good.

• The hardest part is just beginning for Stephen. He will need more prayers in the days, months, and years to come. Please continue sending those prayers up for him and his daughters.

• If there is something unsettled in your life, a relationship, a problem, whatever – take the time to get it right. We are not promised tomorrow. Also, I’m not sure how people handle grief without knowing Jesus. Even in the midst of this trial, He is right here. I’ve said many times that He was merciful in Leslie’s passing and I do believe that. Her dad said at her funeral that the Lord finally said “enough is enough” in terms of her suffering. Jesus is there for all of us, we just have to let Him in. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Deep Sorrow

It’s 4:00 a.m. and I can’t sleep. Most of you know by now that my dear sister-in-law, Leslie, popular writer at A Blonde Ambition, passed away Monday morning. She was born with a congenital heart condition and after the birth of her second daughter, complications arose and it wasn’t meant for her to be healed on this earth.

We are deeply grieving the loss of Leslie and are heartbroken for my sweet brother and their precious daughters. While we cannot understand why she had to leave us so soon, we are so incredibly thankful that her suffering is over. She was so very sick and was in such great pain in her final days. She rarely complained and when she did, she always apologized for doing so. She was the epitome of grace up until the very end. We will miss her desperately.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to us during this time. We’ve seen so many people be the hands and feet of Jesus and while I wish we didn’t have to be the recipients of such generosity, we have all truly been touched by the immense prayers and support. It was clear how greatly Leslie was loved and I am sorry for the pain any of you are feeling from her passing as well. Thank you for loving us during this time.

One thing her passing has done has inspired me to make the time for my blog again. Along with Leslie’s illness, our family has endured several other major life happenings since the beginning of 2015 and it has been a HARD year. This was the second death in our family in less than six months. That member of our family was also only in their 30s which is much too young. With all of these things as well as being pregnant and having a newborn, I haven’t had the energy or drive to blog. But Leslie’s death has reminded me in a harsh way that we are not promised tomorrow, and I want these memories of our life recorded. We had the chance to spend the day with Leslie, Stephen and the girls just two days before we lost her. She and I spent some sweet sister time catching up while Zach and Stephen took the older kids swimming. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that would be the last time I saw her alive and got to talk to her and hug her neck. My heart is beyond happy that we had that time together. God knew what He was doing when He made it possible for our visit to work out.

So, I am making it my mission to revive this dusty old blog space in honor of our dear Leslie. I’m going to share what I shared on instagram yesterday morning as my tribute to Leslie.

Sweet sister. My heart is aching right now. I am about to go see you for the last time and I'm not sure my heart can handle it. I was talking to Stephen last night, and while choking back tears, he said "she looks good. She looks good." I will carry that memory with me forever because Stephen loved that you loved to get all dolled up and it's only fitting that he make sure your physical body looked good for your last hurrah.

I cannot believe you are gone. Standing in your house yesterday just felt so odd and wrong. I just kept looking around and I could see you there. I cannot tell you how much I am going to miss you. I am sad that I will never again see your name pop up on a text message. I am sad that I will never get to sit around and talk to you about things that we think are dumb. I am sad there are no more shopping trips ahead for us. I am sad we are never going to get to take the sister trip we talked about. I am sad that there are so many times ahead where I know I will miss you so much hurts. I'm just unbelievably sad.

You had truly become another sister to me. The last few months it was so hard to watch you be so sick and in so much pain. I can't imagine the joy you are experiencing today with a healthy heart in the glory of eternal life. Your suffering has ended while ours is just beginning.

You were such a wonderful aunt to my children. I cannot tell you how happy my heart is that you got to meet Grant two days before you left this earth. I know it meant as much to you as well. Ava and Reed absolutely adored you and we will miss your presence in their lives so much. Thank you for all of the special things you have done for them over the years. I promise you that I will do the same for your girls. I will be there for them any time that they need me (and probably even when they don't). I will help Stephen with the things he may not think of, so that the girls don't miss out on anything. And I promise you that they will know how very much you loved them, and what an amazing person you are.

Thank you for being one of my best friends, my sister. You being gone will leave a huge void in my life. Until we meet again. I love you, sis.

#beblessedlovelies #rememberingleslie

 

A GoFundMe account has been set up for my darling nieces. The money will be used for their college funds and eventually their wedding funds. If you would like to do so, you can make a donation here:

https://www.gofundme.com/d53bgd5p8s/donate

Two Months Old

Grant, you are two months old and growing so fast!

• You weigh 12lbs 8 oz and are 24.5 inches long!!! You are a LONG baby and are in the 97th percentile for height and 56th percentile for weight. You are a whole 1.5 inches longer than both your brother and sister were at this age!
• You wear Size 1 diapers and your clothes are 3 months.
• You still have such an easy-going manner and are a very content and easy baby.
• You sleep from about 9:30 to anywhere from 5:00-6:30. YAY!
• You eat about three hours after you wake up and then every 4 hours after that.
• You like to nurse but are also a champ at the bottle which is good because Mommy goes back to work in 3 weeks.
• You no longer care for tummy time even though you are much stronger.
• You still love being held.
• You don't really care for our walks in the morning and you cry almost the whole time.
• You have found your voice and are making noises and cooing!
• Your hair has gotten really thick on the back of your head but is still thin on the top and looks like a balding man's hair!
• You kick and wiggle like crazy.
• You are also smiling a lot and momma loves those sweet grins!

I'm so thankful for you and love you so much, my precious boy!

One Month Old

You are one month old, Grant! This month has passed so quickly!!!!

 

These are the things I want to remember about you at one month old:

• At 3 weeks old, you weighed 8lbs 8oz and I guess now you probably weigh between 9 and 10 lbs.
• You still wear newborn diapers and your clothes are a mix of newborn and 0-3 months.
• You have such an easy-going manner and are a very content and easy baby.
• You sleep 5-7 hour stretches at night and you eat every 3-4 hours during the day. We are still nursing though it hasn't been the easiest journey and has caused mommy lots of tears, but we seem to have found a groove.
• You like tummy time and your very favorite thing is being held and cuddled close to someone.
• You are very wiggly!
• Most everyone who meets you comments on how big your hands/feet are and how long you and your legs are! You may be our tall boy!
• You have a darker complexion than Ava & Reed, much like your Pawpaw & Uncle Stephen.
• I finally got my dark haired baby with you and I hope it stays dark!

We are so thankful for you and your easy going manner, precious boy!

A lot has happened…

Well, a lot can happen in three months’ time.

Most importantly, our precious baby is here! 

Grant Thomas Edwards ~ May 20, 2015 ~ 10:56 a.m. ~ 8lbs 7oz ~ 20 3/4 inches

I hope to maybe one day write down his birth story as it was a little crazy and fast. We are so thankful he is here an healthy.

Big sister and big brother love him! Ava loves to hold him and Reed is somewhat indifferent, though at times loves to talk to him and love on him.

Our first photo as a family of five!!

The big kids went home with my parents for a couple days so we had a few days at home with Grant on our own before they got home. Those days were sweet and nice to focus just on the baby for a couple of days. They were excited to get home to him, though.

And a few memories of his first couple of weeks.

I lost count of how many ultrasounds I had (at least 3-4), but in every one, Grant had his little hand up by his cheek just like this. He also folds his legs like this often and I’m certain he probably laid that way inside me. He’s starting to slowly uncurl and I’ll be sad when he doesn’t sleep like this anymore!

He also has the two most adorable dimples!

Big sister sure loves him and LOVES to hold him. I think they will be very close!

I am so thankful for the time off from work that I am getting to spend with not just Grant, but my whole family since everyone is on summer break. This little boy arrived at a perfect time! :) Because i know how fast these days go, I told Zach before I had Grant that I wanted to spend most of my summer holding him. While I AM doing some other things, there is A LOT of this going on, and he and I both love it!!!!

Sweet baby Grant on his due date ~ 06-06-2015

I can’t believe I have three kids!   

We’ve been so blessed the last two and half weeks with family and friends helping us out with so many things like cleaning the house, watching the kids while we have had doctor appointments, taking the kids to do stuff so they can get out of the house and bringing us meals. They say raising kids takes a village and that is SO true!

As I mentioned, a lot has gone on in our family over the past three months. Part of me would love to catch up on some of the stuff that was missed over that time, in regards to the older kids and the end of my pregnancy, but I’m just not sure if I’ll get around to it. I’m also not sure if I’ll be able to keep this up, which makes me sad b/c I want to have so many of these memories recorded, but time is really at a premium these days. We’ll have to see what happens!

A rite of passage… of sorts

Monday morning when I took the kids to school, I was saying goodbye to Ava and her teacher asked her if she had gotten a hair cut. I said no and didn’t think much of it.

Until later that night.

We were facetiming with my sister and she asked Ava the same thing. So, I looked at her and realized that there were some new layers in here. Oof. The more closely I looked, I realized she had cut some on both sides, but cut one side more drastically than the other.

I like how she has such a sullen face – because she thought she was in trouble! I’m truthfully not surprised, though I had hoped we had maybe missed this little rite of passage with her. I  thought we would have to deal with this with Reed.

I didn’t take her anywhere to get it fixed yet. She has an appointment schedule in 2.5 weeks and if I comb it right you can’t completely tell.

But I think the best part of the story is…. I didn’t even notice for two days! We discovered it on Monday night. She told us she did it on Saturday!!!! How’s that for pregnancy brain for ya?! Haha!

It was really quite comical and I can laugh because while it’s not great, it could have been SO much worse!